Falling Hearts: The Struggle to Be Me

As I reflect back on my childhood, I'm reminded of the countless struggles I faced growing up. In high school, I realized that I wasn't being true to myself and that my heart was fighting against my attempts to silence it. It was during this time that I started to crave love and attention from others, replacing the cold hugs of anxiety with warm embracings.

I tried to change who I was by making superficial adjustments - stopping swearing, saying I loved pink, and wanting designer dresses. However, even then, I knew I wasn't whole and craved the acceptance of others. I created a self-improvement list hoping that people liking me would make me feel complete. But it didn't.

In junior high, I started to experience numbness, and as a coping mechanism, I began to miss feelings by cutting and restricting my eating habits. I'd be drugged until I couldn't feel anything, just so I could attend school. During this time, I also became withdrawn and isolated myself in bathrooms during lunch.

When someone would ask me why I was being rude, I'd shoot back a smart reply to deflect attention from the pain I was feeling. But those cold hugs of anxiety continued to envelop me like a shroud. In middle school, I learned not to mention my feelings, as it seemed like no one cared anyway. My teacher would often remind me not to share how I felt.

As I entered high school, my struggles only intensified. I'd feel a sense of dread and fear before school each day, wondering why I was only half the person others seemed to be. When I confided in my teacher about these feelings, she called me a drama queen and sent me back to class. The nurse would often dismiss my concerns, telling me I was just being dramatic.

It wasn't until later in life that I realized I wasn't alone in my struggles. Many people face similar challenges as they navigate adolescence. By sharing my story, I hope to connect with others who have experienced the same kind of pain and isolation.

In conclusion, falling hearts are a reality for many of us. It's essential to recognize that our struggles are valid and that we deserve love and acceptance - not just cold hugs of anxiety.

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